Homeschooling As A Lifestyle (Otherwise Entitled "Not Striving")

After almost a year of feeling burnt out not just as a mom, but as a homeschooler as well, I think I had a bit of a revelation the other day.

Last summer, in June I think, God asked if He could take me on a journey - a journey of my heart. He did some minor adjustments, some healing, and some uncovering. Uncovering. Exposing. Bringing up. All the stuff (the tiredness, the trying, the discouragement, the trying, all my own efforts...) that gets covered up when we're trying to live day to day. All the stuff that's covered up when we're trying to survive what we're in. He brought up all that stuff. And all of a sudden, I was really, really tired. Not just physically tired, not just the tiredness of daily life with three boys, but the deep, deep tiredness from all the years of my trying, from all the years of my unmet expectations. A deep deep tiredness. It's beyond desperation. It's just total drainedness (if there's such a word). I was burned out. Wow. That sounds really bleak. It wasn't that bad though. It would come and go. The underlying tiredness however, lingered with me for the duration of this past year.

So, as far as our homeschooling days went, we didn't do much. B pretty much worked on catching up in math and I worked on teaching S to read. That was about it really. Spent much of the mornings going out or doing whatever else. I was just too tired to try; too tired to try anything. I know the calling and vision were still there, but the passion was replaced by a tiredness, a numbness. Some days I struggled with guilt, guilt that I wasn't doing more, that the boys weren't doing more. But I tried to quiet that voice and just did what I was able to do, which was math and reading. And a read-a-loud. And that was pretty much it.

And that's how much of the year went by. Just doing less than the minimum and trying not to feel guilty about it. A couple of days ago though, I'm not sure what I was doing or how this realization came about, but I think God intervened and I had a God moment.

Most of this year was spent not" homeschooling" but just living. More like existing really. Most days weren't exciting by any measure. Just your bare minimum, survival days. So even after having spent most of the year just existing (breathing, eating, walking, riding, running errands, meeting friends,... not to mention the daily mayhem that happens with 3 boys), I realized that the boys still learned. Some. B learned his math and S learned to read. That's somewhat of an accomplishment. So even though we did nothing in terms of "homeschooling", learning still happened.

I think having spent the year doing nothing really, kind of took all that "trying" out of me. It was kind of a forced relaxing. I'm always telling myself, "I just need to relax". Well, it kind of happened in the area of trying to "homeschool". The trying was being burnt out of me, sanded out of me, chiseled little by little every day. So the realization came the other day that living happens and takes precedence, and the learning fits into that instead of trying to put homeschooling first and fitting life around it. You always hear that homeschooling is a lifestyle but I think that maybe that's what God was trying to put into my body, into my very being. But first He had to take out all the trying.

Such a simple concept, in thought.

Striving. There's so much striving in me. But I'm praying that He took some of that out of me this past year.

Striving. Trying too hard. Driven by my passions, my expectations. Can be good but can also get in the way of God's thoughts and ways.

Striving. Opposite of living a full and awakened life.

Striving. Opposite of living.

Striving. Opposite of enjoying.

Striving. Opposite of loving.

Striving. Opposite of trusting.